I will die if light touches me.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
