I wish my penis had an off switch
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
