my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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