Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
