I accidentally had phone sex last night
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
