I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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