she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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