Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
