Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
