I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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