Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
