I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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