I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
