found the other keg... it's in the tree
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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