I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
