So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
What a dumb baby whore.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
