So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize