If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
