Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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