Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
