11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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