I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Is it penis luge time yet?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
