bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
