im six kinds of drunk right now
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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