my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
