Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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