After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
