I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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