I bet he comes in French.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
