ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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