This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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