I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
