totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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