You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
