so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
