There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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