I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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