that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
