I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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