Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
