I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize