made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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