I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
