Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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