I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
