some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
