I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
