six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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