It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
