I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
