it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
