Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Randomize
