Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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