There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
BRING THE BAGELS
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
