Swine flu. Run for my life!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
