I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
