i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
