I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
