just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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