she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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